All relationships suffer ups and downs, and whoever says it is not supposed to be like that, is simply not objective.
At the beginnings, sure, it is quite normal to have rainbows and bunnies, firsts and cute moments you’ll remember forever, but nothing lasts for good as we know it.
As time goes by, both people begin to realize there are certain derails from what was the initial phase of the relationship, and this is when the fighting begins.
A relationship can suffer plenty of obstacles and challenges and if you work hard at it, fights are inevitable. The goal, however, is to learn how to fight and be unafraid that your relationship is dysfunctional.
By arguing a certain problem, two people are mainly trying to find a common ground and the cause of the issue. This shows character, independence but a will to compromise as well.
Arguments don’t need to be taken harshly or too personally, but there are 5 guidelines to follow, so the entire debate doesn’t escalate for no good reason. Here is what experts suggest:
- Don’t insist on being right
- Speak up as soon as you feel anger rising
- Stick to the topic at hand
- Don’t say something you will regret
The reason the couple that argues can last for a long time
- Arguing is not an indicator of a catastrophe
To argue means to have a sane thinking mind that will never take anything for granted. Ideas and opinions, beliefs and principles are clear with the two people in a relationship, so by expressing them and even not agreeing on some, is quite natural. The end game is to do so in a rightful and decent manner- no insults, no screaming, and no tension.
At times, arguing can mean other things, like a lack of confidence, lack of respect or lack of trust. In such case, ask yourselves this:
How committed are you if you can express your own ideas?
Are you afraid of stepping over boundaries? In your relationship, can you truly be your authentic self? Are you afraid to speak your ideas and opinions?
Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, an expert in the field, explained there are seven essential components of a happy and healthy relationship. Arguing falls into those seven.
“I’ve never seen a healthy couple that doesn’t argue. They never fight, however – they argue. If a couple comes into my office and tells me they’ve never argued, something isn’t quite right.
You can argue without fighting. Arguing is non-combative – you and your partner state your points of view without name-calling or raising your voice. Sometimes you agree to disagree – and that’s okay.
Figure out what your ‘non-negotiables’ are – the things that you will not budge on. Now rethink that list. I like the saying, You can either be right, or married.”
Don’t be afraid of conflicts and disagreements- they are a way to understand your partner better.
When you surpass the beginner phase and enter the long-lasting phase it is okay for things to change. The biggest thing you can do in an argument is to allow the other person to speak as well. This will get you to a successful closure without any side-effects.
However, keep in mind there are arguments and there is yelling, anger and hurting.
Be mindful of the other person in an argument and make sure not to argue on every little thing. Choose your battles and stick to what you believe in.
Elizabeth Gilbert explains it perfectly: “You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words.”
Bottling feelings in is not the wisest thing you can do. The partner needs to know how you feel about certain thing, so he or she can help you out and you can both figure out a solution together. Also, it is unfair that someone looks like the victim and the other like the culprit, right?
And let’s not forget about the passion.
Couples need to be eager and willing about doing things in life, but without overshadowing or burdening the other person.
Couple expert Dr. Pam Spurr explains, “The way in which you argue signals so much about a relationship. The wise couple acknowledges this and keeps an eye on how they treat each other over disagreements.
Subconsciously, bickering demonstrates you care about each other even if while bickering you feel annoyed towards your partner. For instance, it shows that you do want your partner to drink less and look after their health.
Or you do want them to be on time so that neither of you are stressed out when you have places to be and things to do, etc.”
Always keep in mind things like respect, love, compromise, compassion and trust. Keep everything balanced, and even though it can take some time, you can get there with ease.